Phil Spencer, the head of Xbox and Microsoft veteran, has brought innovation to the brand in the years after taking the helm in 2014. He shook up the world of videogames with the introduction of Game Pass, he gave new-generation console adopters a more affordable upgrade in the Xbox Series S, and he even bought Bethesda. But now, it seems, he intends to take the innovation and brand loyalty he gained in life with him when he passes beyond the veil.
This comes from a source who does in fact want to be named – his masseuse, Lars Svensson. “Mr Spencer came in for his weekly massage. There wasn’t anything unusual about that,” he tells The Loadout. Svensson notes that Spencer seemed more tired than usual, something he felt physically manifested in the tension of his muscles as he set to work on Spencer.
“He was out in no time at all,” Svensson says. “We usually make small talk for a few minutes as he settles in. We joke about the old days of computers and the internet, like how we used to use Encarta or dial-up internet that cut you off if somebody in the house picked up the telephone.”
But this time, Spencer’s mind was elsewhere, and after he fell into a deep sleep, he shocked the middle-aged masseuse by letting slip some top-secret revelations. “All of a sudden he started murmuring, and I could make out the word ‘fridge,’” Svensson says. “At first, I thought he was just dreaming, but then Mr Spencer kept speaking.”
According to Svensson, Spencer rambled about the recently released Xbox Series X fridge, and how he’d like it to play a pivotal role in his funeral when the time comes. The Xbox head wants to be encased in a scaled-up version of the fridge, complete with green glowing lights and full refrigerating capabilities. “He even uttered the dimensions: ‘six feet and 2.384 inches by four feet exact,’” Svensson explains.
The masseuse continued his work, not knowing what to do. But it didn’t stop there, because with each muscle knot he carefully stretched out, Spencer divulged more. Apparently, Spencer has even thought of how to power the fridge, telling Svensson during his slumber that he plans to run an underground power cable from the Puget Sound Energy Norway Hill substation near Redmond directly to the fridge for maximum power.
It was at this point that things took a turn, as massage parlour regular James Hogarth entered Team Green Cutz in Tacoma to book an appointment for the following day. It was here both men discussed whether or not to wake Spencer up, but not before he could reveal more information about his plans.
April Fools 2022: here are the best gaming gags
“He just rolled over after a loud snore and uttered ‘Bond is going to be Master Chief,’” Svensson says. Presumably, Spencer was referring to Sarah Bond, Xbox’s vice president. “He also asked Alexa to remind him to buy blue body paint because Todd Howard will be Cortana,” Svensson adds. It became obvious that Spencer was planning a theatrical display, and continued by telling the two men the fridge, with him in it, would be delivered to the ceremony by air via a UNSC Pelican, and he needed Master Chief and Cortana to fast rope down with him.
Xbox Game Pass for Console Xbox Game Pass for Console $10.99 $1.00 Buy now Network N earns commission from qualifying purchases via Microsoft and other programs.
But why would Spencer need all that electricity wired directly to his Xbox fridge-come-coffin? The answer was in front of us the whole time: Microsoft Azure. It’s no secret that Microsoft has been making a push towards cloud computing and gaming, with streaming now available on Xbox Game Pass. An all-streaming future was always on the cards, but it was just a question of when not if. And it seems we now have our when.
“He told us that when the service was over and they were about to close his fridge-coffin, some scientists from the University of Washington would hook his body up to the fridge, which would then transfer his consciousness to the Azure cloud,” Svensson says. This will maintain Spencer’s legacy for decades to come. He won’t be part of the cloud; he will be the cloud.
According to Svensson and Hogarth, Spencer eventually woke as if nothing happened, paid, and left Team Green Cutz in such a good mood that he was even whistling.
When The Loadout enquired why the two men didn’t want anonymity, they claimed “fame” and “money” to “grow their social presence.”
The veracity of these claims have not been verified.